I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
