Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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