my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
