Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
