I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
