I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
