just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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