This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
