you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
