that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
