At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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