she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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