New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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