she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
