Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
