I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
