Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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