I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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