i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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