Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
