I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
