My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
