Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
