I need help removing her.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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