if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
