Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
