Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
