her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
