Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
