We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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