you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
