Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
