i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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