How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
