You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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