ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
