So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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