my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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