I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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