I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
