I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
