Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
