I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
