For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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