i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
