Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
