I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
