So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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