i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
