I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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