I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
