i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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