My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
