Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I want a musical about memes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
